There is no point

Hey there! Wow, it's been a while since I last posted a blog and I missed it. Apparently, whenever I get in a relationship, I lose a part of me; like in my first relationship, I lost my best friend and this time I lost my interest in literature. Since we broke up, it seems as though my interest in literature is coming back again (Thank God)

So right now I'm in front of my laptop, my bed still unmade, I'm blasting some fallout boy on my phone, my hair's still not the color blue and I'm alive.

(Sugar we're going down swinging) I'm just writing whatever enters my mind right now, I'm letting my fingers do the talking (wow that sounds so lesbian). Right now my office mates are planning to drink later, of course I'm coming.

Wait, I had to stop writing for around 15 minutes because this laptop hanged for 15 full minutes. So during that period, I was able to fix my unmade bed, check timehop, took a selfie comparing my photo from three years ago and now.

And now I have to run some errands, so catch you later. (As if you'll notice me doing the errand since you're continually reading this whole post lol)

I'm back! So I went to my grandmother's shop and gave her the rent money from our neighbors and she gave me money to buy shawarma as well as new pants. So that's that.

Anyway, what's the whole point of this post? Honestly, there's none. There was supposed to be a point when I was planning on writing this post, but now that I started writing it, I just went with the flow.

This blog post was supposed to be about how I am after our break up, but diving into that topic makes me depressed and I have been happy since yesterday, so I don't want to break the mood.

I have been trying to keep my mind off that thing by doing random and unproductive stuff like playing battle cats, surfing the net, looking at tattoo ideas, editing photos, checking out photo inspirations, and writing stuff.

It feels good to write again; I couldn't really write blogs on my phone since I get distracted easily and typing on the phone's keypad isn't as satisfying as typing on the laptop's keyboard. It makes me feel so ecstatic just typing right now. Like I'm not even looking at the screen, I'm just letting my fingers type and type and omg they look so cool moving so fast, like they have a mind of their own. Seriously, I am still not stopping.
The sound of the keyboard makes me so relaxed, and the feeling of pressing these buttons is oddly satisfying.

I am now looking up into the screen and wow, that was a lot. Haha. I'm sorry for making you read this blogpost of mine but it makes me feel nice knowing that there are people who actually read what I write. It gives me a sense of importance, you know?

Right now I'm looking for music to play, let's see... Ahh, here, arctic monkeys.

Woah, I never noticed the lyrics of this song. I'm listening to "Do I Wanna Know?"

"Sad to see you go. I was sorta hoping that you'd stay"
"Maybe I'm too busy being yours to fall for somebody new"

I got distracted for 30 minutes and did something else lol.

I guess I should wrap this up, my mind's all crazy now.

Sorry for this very pointless blogpost, I just wanted to know what it feels like to write again. I missed it so much.

I'll be posting more blog posts soon, blog posts that actually make sense.


But for now, bye.

-N

What's wrong with me?

What the fuck am I doing with my life?

I honestly feel I'm so stupid now. I felt this before but this time the impact is tremendous. I'm not as smart as I was before, not as witty, not as critical, not as quick. I hate this so much and it feels so wrong. I used to be a critical thinker. I used to love intelligent debates and arguments. I used to love proving my point.

I'm also not good in english anymore. I'm not as good in communicating as I was before. I'm having difficulties when I try to construct a sentence, I'm not so confident about my grammar, spelling and choice of words.

I don't think before I speak anymore, I don't know current events anymore, I'm starting to forget the important things, my skills aren't developing, but instead it's doing the opposite.

I'm not getting better. I'm getting worse.

I feel so miserable, I feel like I should be doing something else, something more, but I'm too afraid of leaving my comfort zone. I guess that's why I'm not growing.

I thought I'd be better, but I guess I already reached my peak in 2014. I was the best I could be in 2014 and after that, I started falling down.

I'm trying to find what the problem is, and I realized, it's me. I'm the problem.

I need to do something, but I don't know what. I feel so lost, I don't know what to do to make myself a better person, or at least be the person I was in 2014.

I don't know myself anymore. I'm lost. I need to find myself.

Lame Dilemma

Hi,

I just wanna let this thing out of my system. It's kinda burdening me since, well, just this week actually.

Do you know what effort is? It's something I do for someone I love. Or like.

Oh, the usual, I'm having dilemmas again. Heart dilemmas. Quite pathetic, actually.

I feel so stupid for two things.

One, is knowing that the one i like, has someone that she likes.

And two, is still hoping and trying to change her mind.

Ah yes, a girl has once again entered the heart of this lonesome lesbian. After about 5 months, I guess.

I actually don't know what's the right thing to do since, she already has someone that she likes, what else can I do? I don't think can't change her mind, I ain't that... Let's just say I feel so inferior here.

What keeps my hopes up though, is the fact that her friends are helping me and that they are in favor of me. But what good is that gonna do if she herself ain't in favor of me?

I ask myself, "ano naman laban ko dun?" 'Cause it seems I don't have any. 

But here's the thing, I told myself that no matter what happens, I won't let it affect me greatly. But that seems impossible since I over react most of the time. I dunno how this will affect me, how great this thing would push me.

It's like fighting against someone who wields an iron sword, while I hold a wimpy, old, wooden one.

Oh dear me, I dunno what i'm getting myself into. I just, I like her so much, it hurts. But like I said, I won't let it hurt me that much. I just have to make use of this wooden sword and shield to protect me. I may bleed as the iron blade penetrates my wooden shield and hits that sensitive part of my heart, but I've reinforced it so it won't recieve much damage like before.

That's it for my overly dramatic post. 

Still trying to figure out what to do, but I think, I have a backup plan at the very tiny remote part of my brain. 

What ever happens, happens. I guess.

-N

While Waiting for the Transferage to Finish

May mga panahon talaga na gusto ko lang magblog. At ngayon ay isa sa mga panahon na iyon.
I have a reason for blogging right now, it's coz I'm waiting for my "transferage" of files to finish

So ano ba? Ang maiibblog ko lang ngayon ay kung ano ang nararamdaman ko at the moment

Alam nyo ba, na madami akong crush? O kung di nyo alam, ngayon alam niyo na. Wag nyo nalang alamin kung sino sila. Pero merong isa sakanila na parang kumikiliti sa puso ko. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero pag nakikita ko sya, iba nararamdaman ko. Kadalasan kasi tuwing nakikita ko yung ibang crush ko, wala lang.

"Uy shet. Si crush number 11. Ang ganda",
"Hala si crush number 9 o. Cute cute talaga."
"Uy si crush number 6. Eliminated. Forgotten. Ta-tah. Goodbye. So long. Farewell"

Pero pag si ano, parang iba eh. Di lang yung mababaw na type ng kilig. Ewan ko ba. Ano bang meron sakanya? Hala, ayun sya, nasa utak ko nanaman. Nakakatuwa kasi sya. Ang saya kasama. Ang saya kausap.


Pero yung totoo, bakit ko sinasabi ito dito? May journal naman ako. Aba ewan ko. Kanya kanyang trip lang yan.

Hindi parin tapos yung tranferage.

Ano pang pwedeng sabihin?

Uy ang lapit na pala ng outbreak! Maximum of 10 per group!
Excited na ko! Walang backoutan :((
Uy, TLCENFAIM, Bea Sorilla, Mingol, Eunice, Mara, Jecay, Jamie, Alex, Badet, Kat Mayuga, Pierre. Uy ah. HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

Registration starts this Friday.
Agahan natin reg kasi kutob ko andaming gusto sumali.

Anyway. Hindi parin tapos. Kung ano ano nalang nasasabi ko dito. Ang buhay ay paglalakbay. Life is a journey.

Uy, listen to these songs
Gorilla-Bruno Mars
Almost is Never Enough- Ariana Grande and Nathan Sykes
Roar-Katy Perry
Wrecking Ball-Miley Cyrus
Stay The Night-Zedd ft. Hayley Williams of Paramore <3 <3 <3

My goodness, still not over. Inaantok na ko -_-

Anong oras kaya ako papasok bukas? 9am? Magseset pa kami ng venue. So most probably maaga. Ok. Maaga. Dadalhin ko ba si Cady? Sige dalhin ko na si Cady


YEHEY TAPOS NA.

Salamat dahil sinamahan mo ko sa paghihintay.

Weak

I am weak.

I may look strong because of my big body and boyish movements but underneath all that is one fragile little being that is damaged ever since.

I cry at the simplest things.

I am so weak that I think the solution to my problems is ending my life.

I am so weak that I have attempted to end my life several times but i fail coz I am afraid.

I am so weak that i can't even stand up for myself.

I'm actually crying right now. And I am broadcasting this because i think this is the only way i could get it out of me. Because if I don't let it out, the weakling in me might just break again and again. This is why i'm so noisy online.

I can't handle my problems

I can't stand alone

I'm worthless, I'm an accident, I'm don't deserve to live, i'm TOO EMOTIONAL. 

I'm useless.

I am

The Crush(es): Origin

Why do people have crushes? Maybe because of attraction? Well, I have a different reason for having crushes. Sure, attraction is already a factor but my main reason for having crushes (for my current situation) was to forget someone.

Emo. I know.

But I did it out of desperation. As said in the song by The Script entitled Six Degrees Of Separation, "Anything to take it from your mind, but it won't go. You're doing all these things out of desperation"

When you're in pain, most definitely you'd do anything to take it away. Fix yourself.

This was my remedy. I tried to find a crush. I forced myself to like someone. Well, at least somehow, the five crushes I have now weren't much forced. I started to look for them around November.

After having my crushes, I felt happy. I felt better. I started to forget but my best friend told me that I was in a hurry. That I did not let go of the pain yet, I just covered it up. She was right. I had a talk with her. I realized that I haven't completely forgotten about it. I was still in pain. The talk with my best friend removed the bandage over my open wound, exposing it. The pain was excruciating. I cried. 

But that made the pain slowly go away. Coz finally, instead of covering it up again, I tried to let it heal.

Still going through the healing process. It's getting better. The five crushes thing is working. I'm distracted. I'm not thinking about it as usual as before. I feel the pain subsiding. Finally.


The thing about this is, I feel I'm over reacting. Am I?


I just want to forget. Forget about my feelings. My feelings for you. YOU.

Cyber-crime Law

I can't hold it in. I have a lot of things to say about this

First and foremost, you cannot ban anything or anyone from using the internet in their own ways. It's not yours in the first place. Unless you own it, then that's something else.

Second, why create such a law anyway? It is against the Article 3; Section 4 of the 1987 Philippine Constitution:

"No law shall be passed abridging the freedom of speech, of expression, or of the press, or the right of the people to assemble and petition the government for redress of grievances."

See? Also passing this law is like placing a cover over our mouths.

This is a generation where almost everyone is informed, and with all that information, it is inevitable for anyone to have their own opinion about it.

Now, passing a law that would prevent the Filipinos from expressing their thoughts and opinions about a certain person or politician is just a move of fear. Whoever brought this up is afraid of what the people are saying about him. The people have different opinions, most base their opinions on what they observe, this is the voice of the mass. This is what they see and what they perceive as the truth. If you are afraid of being told off, you are afraid of the truth.

I understand, it is wrong to destroy one's reputation through words. Trash taking is improper. But one stating their opinion towards someone, may it be positive or negative isn't wrong.

Hindering someone from their own opinion is wrong

AFRAID. That is what you are! This is wrong! Hindering us from saying our opinions!
This move is a move for cowards, afraid of how much powerful we are against you. HIDE. You are hiding from our opinions by preventing us to have opinions.

You are afraid of how much power we have through the internet. This is a medium open to us. It is not a one way medium like television where it only shows us stuff without us directly reacting to what we see.

We use the internet to be heard. We use this to tell you what we see! Because you cannot see what we see because you are blinded with political power. Don't you understand? Our opinions can help improve the country. You don't see what we see, but through the internet, we will make you see the truth.

OUR VOICE IS FOR THE COUNTRY. THE COUNTRY IS OURS. NOT ONLY YOURS. PASSING THE BILL MAY BE YOUR FIRST STEP TO OWNING THE COUNTRY FOR YOURSELVES. DO NOT BE SELFISH.

NO TO CYBER CRIME LAW. LET US EXPRESS OUR OPINIONS FREELY.




go, arrest me. File a case against me. I know I am not doing anything wrong. I stand for what I say. I stand for my opinions. I stand for what is right. I stand for the freedom of speech.

Choice

I'm never good in making choices. I just realized that just now.

I always ask for other people's opinions to make my choice. Because as I mentioned in my previous blogpost, I don't trust myself in controlling my life.

One decision that I can't forget was when I decided to not act in our recently staged adaptation of Mamma Mia. I asked opinions from others and most of them told me to act. And I took their advice and acted. It was the best decision made by others for me. If I pushed through with what I decided and that was not to act, I may be regretting it until now. The decision made by others for me saved me from a lot.

Most of my decisions lead me to wrong paths.

I hate how I can't get a hold of my life. I hate how most of my decisions fail me. I hate how other's opinions are better than my own when it comes to controlling my life.

Why is it hard to make a decision anyway? Maybe for me, it's because I weigh things wrong. I usually value others more than myself, maybe this is why most of my decisions fail me, because it will benefit others more than it will benefit me.

I should learn to weigh my decisions correctly. I should learn to trust myself.

Make the right choice.

I don't wanna talk

Got my title from Mamma Mia. (Just saying)

That feeling I get when I just don't wanna have any contact with any person.
That moment of confusion I get.
I'm just too weird. I, myself cannot understand what I'm feeling most of the time.
Oh the way other people affect the way I feel. I have no control over my life.
And I couldn't trust myself to control my own life. Because I am very sure I'd lead it astray.
I can't understand myself. I really can't. It's really frustrating.
Why am I like this? What the fuck is wrong with me?
I hate myself for being like this. In fact, I just hate myself.

Damn, now all my negative feelings are coming back. All at once. No good thoughts. Not a single one.

What is wrong with me anyway? If I would ask myself what went wrong, I wouldn't have an answer. Because I really don't know. It's crazy. I'm crazy.

I just don't want to do anything right now.

I feel so frustrated right now. AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY.

i do not know anymore.

I don't wanna talk.

Outburst

Have you ever felt so lonely, so down that you just want to go to a place all alone and just cry it all out?

Have you ever had a problem that you've never told anyone? Except a journal, maybe. But is that enough? Enough to lighten the burden that you feel? Just writing it down, pouring it all into a notebook. At least, it listens, right?

Well, I realized just now that it isn't enough. I have been writing every problem that I have into my journal. It has always been that way. It was alright then, but now, I don't know why it isn't enough.

Maybe it's like my cup of burdens is already overflowing, when I write it down, the contents would lessen, but would fill up right away.

Maybe I need someone to talk to, aside from myself. Because, let's be honest, the only person who'd really really understand you is yourself and the only person you'd trust whole-heartedly is yourself.

The problem here is, if you'd just share and share it to yourself, nothing much will happen. Well, maybe a little evaluation would occur, and that would help enlighten the situation. But right now, this is too insufficient.

I really need someone to talk to. I can't take it anymore. I'm already filled. I am about to burst. I cannot take it anymore!

Another problem is, I can't find someone to talk to! Someone who'd really understand! Someone who wouldn't judge my problem! Someone who would just listen. Without telling anyone.

I NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO. SOON. OR ELSE. UGH! I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.

Undefined

No, I am not talking about my gender.

Look at my URL, come on, just look. Read it? randomly-unique, right? As in RANDOM.

Sometimes, I myself can't understand what I feel and what I think. One minute, I'm feeling depressed like I'm Atlas carrying the whole world, except it's the world's problems I carry, then the next minute I'm happy like I'm in Elysium. (Sorry for using Greek mythology to describe stuff)

Seriously, I can't seem to maintain my emotions. This is another reason I don't like having emotions. Oh I dunno.

Lately, I wanna get away from it all. I don't wanna talk to people. I just wanna bond with myself.
I get a different feeling when I talk to people. Before, I hated not talking to anyone or being with anyone, but now, I just want to go away. Like away, away. Where exactly? I thought of staying at a beach. I dunno why, but I feel like this is my happy place. The cool air, the cool sand, the cool water, everything is cool, very relaxing. A perfect place to think and reflect about stuff.

Oh and also, I think another reason I want to get away, is because I feel like everything that's happening to me lately is just a dream. One big dream. I've been experiencing a  lot of dejavus lately, but that's another story.

Going back, I feel like everything is superficial. I wanna know why I feel this way, why I wanna be on my own for a while. I wanna escape the stress of my everyday life. I am the type of person who over-thinks. This is why I feel so stressed most of the time; little things+overthinking=stressed and problematic me.



That's what I just want to do right now... Get away. From everything.