Journey to Self Re-Discovery

Hey there! It's been a while (I keep saying this because it has in fact been a while. I don't blog much anymore huhu)

So I decided to blog again, woop. I just thought about it recently since I'm starting to keep a journal again, I'm trying to bring back my writing mojo. I lost it somewhere along the way so I'm looking for it again.

Anyway, this post is about how I found myself again (duh, it says so on the title). Some of you may ask, "Why? Did you lose yourself?" well, in fact, I have. I was deep into my previous relationship that I started changing into a different person.

I don't know how I should start this, I had it all planned earlier before I slept. It got lost while I was dreaming. So lemme try my best and start this the way I wanted to.

This journey to self re-discovery is basically my journey to moving on. As you all know, I went through a very painful breakup 6 months ago. It was the most painful one because it was technically the first relationship I had that actually felt like a relationship. Where I was physically with my partner and we spent almost everyday together so I had to adjust because I had to get used to her absence. My first relationship was a long distance one and we only saw each other 3 times in the whole relationship so the whole thing just occurred through texts, chats, voice calls and video calls. Plus I got cheated on, so there's that.

So this recent break up was so hard to move on from since it happened so suddenly, I never expected it to happen. You know when break ups happen, you could actually feel that it would happen sooner or later, but this one caught me off guard. I remembered how I was then: I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I was just staring at the ceiling, at the walls. There was a point where I just sat still in one corner for 6 hours doing absolutely nothing, until my brother told me that we should eat. Whenever I ate, I could only get two bites of what ever I was eating then I would feel like vomiting already. It got to the point where my tears dried out. I feel like crying but nothing was coming out of my eyes. I felt so empty, so lost. My friends were chatting with me,they were calling me up, checking up on me, finding out if I was still alive (fun fact tho: I never cut myself because of the break up. I usually just cut myself whenever I'm too stressed bc of other things, but I don't cut myself because of love and stuff like that).

I was a mess for a month or two. I cried at random moments, I told my story to a lot of people because I needed to talk to someone about it, I let all my emotions out in this app where you can rant anonymously, I tried dating other people, I drowned myself in alcohol, I partied hard, I flirted a lot, I kissed a lot of girls, I had a one night (or afternoon) stand, I became friends with benefits with someone, and I did a lot of shitty things just to move on.

I did all these things just to move on, just so I could forget, but they only gave me temporary relief. They helped a bit, but I still felt empty and lost. I couldn't get it, what was I doing wrong?

I changed things up a bit, I used to think that in order for me to move on, I should find someone else. As mentioned above, I flirted as much as possible, but then I realized that there are still other aspects in life that I didn't try to fix.

I thought about it, I reflected on my life, I made a list of the things that I loved doing, I looked at all the aspects of my life and checked what was wrong with them.

Until I realized that I did lose myself. I tried building myself up again. I spent time with friends, I caught up with friends I haven't seen in a while, I made new friends, I spent time with my family again (I was so distant from my family when I was in the relationship) it was nice because we got to be close again, in fact, we became closer. I did better at work, I tried working out, I even went boxing with my friends, I tried a lot of new things, I discovered new hobbies and new things to do.

I was re-discovering myself again, I slowly went back to how I was before the relationship started. I indulged myself in books again, I went back to my old hobbies, I practiced photography again (this one is a very big deal), I went to museums and art galleries, I went on walks with myself, I went out with my friends, I watched gigs and concerts, I still drank alcohol (because come on, alcohol is life. I can drink to celebrate and just chill), I tried painting, drawing and other artsy stuff, I tried finding my own style in art, both digital and traditional, I went back to writing (I suck at it now, I'm trying to bring back my old writing style), I went back to my old style, I bought things for myself and I did a lot of other things just to make myself feel better again.

After doing all these things, I began to love myself again, I appreciated myself, I accepted the things I could and couldn't do, I embraced my flaws, I recognized my skills and I believe I matured (a bit. I still consider myself immature lmao). I grew up and left that shell I once had. I breathed a sigh of relief because it felt good to be happy again.

It was a long journey for me, and I'm still in it. I'll always discover new things about myself, I won't stop since it's a continuous process, but I'm proud of myself for the progress I've made.

So here I am now, I'm at my happiest this year, thanks to my family, friends, office mates, and myself.

Although I am struggling with something right now, it's all part of life. I learned not to dwell on sadness that much anymore (that's a big deal for me since I always dwell in my sadness)

That's pretty much it for my on going journey.


I apologize for any errors in this post since I haven't written anything in a long time and I got a bit rusty. Sorry for the inconsistency and the redundancy as well, that had been my problem since day one and I am still trying to fix it lmao.


That is all and I will write more blogs again. Thank you for taking your time reading this, it means a lot to me.


love you all
-N

While Waiting for the Transferage to Finish

May mga panahon talaga na gusto ko lang magblog. At ngayon ay isa sa mga panahon na iyon.
I have a reason for blogging right now, it's coz I'm waiting for my "transferage" of files to finish

So ano ba? Ang maiibblog ko lang ngayon ay kung ano ang nararamdaman ko at the moment

Alam nyo ba, na madami akong crush? O kung di nyo alam, ngayon alam niyo na. Wag nyo nalang alamin kung sino sila. Pero merong isa sakanila na parang kumikiliti sa puso ko. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero pag nakikita ko sya, iba nararamdaman ko. Kadalasan kasi tuwing nakikita ko yung ibang crush ko, wala lang.

"Uy shet. Si crush number 11. Ang ganda",
"Hala si crush number 9 o. Cute cute talaga."
"Uy si crush number 6. Eliminated. Forgotten. Ta-tah. Goodbye. So long. Farewell"

Pero pag si ano, parang iba eh. Di lang yung mababaw na type ng kilig. Ewan ko ba. Ano bang meron sakanya? Hala, ayun sya, nasa utak ko nanaman. Nakakatuwa kasi sya. Ang saya kasama. Ang saya kausap.


Pero yung totoo, bakit ko sinasabi ito dito? May journal naman ako. Aba ewan ko. Kanya kanyang trip lang yan.

Hindi parin tapos yung tranferage.

Ano pang pwedeng sabihin?

Uy ang lapit na pala ng outbreak! Maximum of 10 per group!
Excited na ko! Walang backoutan :((
Uy, TLCENFAIM, Bea Sorilla, Mingol, Eunice, Mara, Jecay, Jamie, Alex, Badet, Kat Mayuga, Pierre. Uy ah. HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

Registration starts this Friday.
Agahan natin reg kasi kutob ko andaming gusto sumali.

Anyway. Hindi parin tapos. Kung ano ano nalang nasasabi ko dito. Ang buhay ay paglalakbay. Life is a journey.

Uy, listen to these songs
Gorilla-Bruno Mars
Almost is Never Enough- Ariana Grande and Nathan Sykes
Roar-Katy Perry
Wrecking Ball-Miley Cyrus
Stay The Night-Zedd ft. Hayley Williams of Paramore <3 <3 <3

My goodness, still not over. Inaantok na ko -_-

Anong oras kaya ako papasok bukas? 9am? Magseset pa kami ng venue. So most probably maaga. Ok. Maaga. Dadalhin ko ba si Cady? Sige dalhin ko na si Cady


YEHEY TAPOS NA.

Salamat dahil sinamahan mo ko sa paghihintay.

The Crush(es): Origin

Why do people have crushes? Maybe because of attraction? Well, I have a different reason for having crushes. Sure, attraction is already a factor but my main reason for having crushes (for my current situation) was to forget someone.

Emo. I know.

But I did it out of desperation. As said in the song by The Script entitled Six Degrees Of Separation, "Anything to take it from your mind, but it won't go. You're doing all these things out of desperation"

When you're in pain, most definitely you'd do anything to take it away. Fix yourself.

This was my remedy. I tried to find a crush. I forced myself to like someone. Well, at least somehow, the five crushes I have now weren't much forced. I started to look for them around November.

After having my crushes, I felt happy. I felt better. I started to forget but my best friend told me that I was in a hurry. That I did not let go of the pain yet, I just covered it up. She was right. I had a talk with her. I realized that I haven't completely forgotten about it. I was still in pain. The talk with my best friend removed the bandage over my open wound, exposing it. The pain was excruciating. I cried. 

But that made the pain slowly go away. Coz finally, instead of covering it up again, I tried to let it heal.

Still going through the healing process. It's getting better. The five crushes thing is working. I'm distracted. I'm not thinking about it as usual as before. I feel the pain subsiding. Finally.


The thing about this is, I feel I'm over reacting. Am I?


I just want to forget. Forget about my feelings. My feelings for you. YOU.

My 2012 in a blogpost

January

 
• January 3 First day of school for the year.
• January 17 Happy 18th Birthday to me :))
• January 18 Janica's Birthday and our celebration :D

Janica, Am and Me :D

• January 22 Birthday Celebration with Comm2 (Comm2 pa kami nun :P)

Given by FAIM :)

Comm2 finding their seats :))

• January 24-28 SPUMat100

The School during the centennial celebration :)

Went to visit KCC, on the second day of the centennial celebration. Thing is, it was closed :|

Parokya Ni Edgar for the centennial celebration :">

BINGO!! :))

 February

• February 11 Visit To The Buzz

At The Buzz studio. There's Boy Abunda, Toni Gonzaga, John Lloyd and Angel Locsin (beside John.) I dunno the name of the girl beside Toni. (Not really showbiz inclined)

• February 15 Mingol's Debut :)

March

• March 1 Fire extinguisher. ('nuff said)
• March 3 Brigadoon at St. Paul Quezon
• March 6 Sister Act play date! :D (Stage Manager) Grabe, super late uwians yun :))

The Cast and Crew of Sister Act after the curtain call :)

• March 9 The Birth of TLCENFAIM :) the start of a beautiful friendship :D Louren's post-birthday celebration :)

                         Troyka, Louren, Camille, Eunick, Nathan, Flery, Agel, Ina, Marnelli

TLCENFAIM! :D

• March 17 Last Day of School and Marnelli's post-birthday celebration :)

Rockband

Billiards 

• March 19 Gala with TLCENFAIM :)) first badminton, then lunch at SM Sucat, then travelled to rob for rockband :))

Badminton at Flick :D

Lunch at SM Sucat. Omnomnomnom

Rockband at Rob \m/

April

• April 10 First Day of Summer Classes (Writing for Radio and Television, Environmental Science and no Theater classes yet)
• April 21 Watched Plays :) (Palangka Awards, Ola!, Stars and Pitik Surplus)
• April 30 First Theater Class. Assigning of Core group members and choosing of play

May

• May 2 Results of midterms in WRTV came out

My first ever perfect score in an exam

• May 4 Mamma Mia! Film viewing :)) first time to actually watch the film 
• May 5 Inuman with friends sa vapor
• May 9 First practice for Mamma Mia eveeer! It was a dance rehearsal. We were rehearsing Dancing Queen and Mamma Mia xD
• May 11 First FX ride to school :p and today we had our first workshop for Mamma Mia!
• May 15 Visited Genevieve's house to give our gift for her

There's me, val and gen in front of gen's house :P Louren took the picture :))

• May 18 Singing auditions for Mamma Mia (ang ingay namin sa corridor while waiting for our turn :p) and the Filming of "The Winner Takes It All: Epic Version" Here's the video :)) also later that day, Louren, Troyka, Ina, Nathan, Val and I went to Starbucks to chill coz it was our last day of summer classes (Last day of summer classes but not Theater classes) then we went to Manila Bay and next walked to Star City then went home :p

• May 22 First Day of our only-theater-classes-slash-workshops-for-this-week and the week when I was accomplishing my SAO duties at the guidance office. I needed to accomplish 80 hours -_- 

• May 24 Ang pagtambay namin ni Troyka and Agel sa Taters. Wahahaha! We played cards and talked about our high school and grade school lives. At ang pag-abang ng text na nagsasabing part kami ng cast ng Mamma Mia :)) (ang tagal tagal din bago maannounce :p)
• May 25 declared na wala kaming pasok sa theater, pero may TLCENFAIM gala kami that day :p
• May 28-May 31 Service at the Guidance office
• May 31 TLCENFAIM Call Me Maybe Shoot and secret shoot for Troyka's birthday video :)) below is our call me maybe video :))

June

• June 1-June 9 Continuation of service at the Guidance office

• June 2 Troyka's Birthday and Celebration :D

• June 8 They told me I got the part of Rosie in Mamma Mia! :">
• June 13 First Day of School as a third year college student :p
• June - onwards Mamma Mia Rehearsals :D 420B muna :))

July

• July 14 We started publicizing Mamma Mia! :D

• July 27 Cinemalaya with Maney, Louren, Camille and Nathan :p

August

• August 1 We started practicing sa audi na xD
• August 24 WHAT A NIGHT! MAMMA MIA! All our efforts, for this :">

Mamma Mia Photoshoot day :))

Mamma Mia! Gala curtain call :')

Mamma Mia! Matinee Curtain Call :')

• August 24 Before the play, I cut my hair short for the first time in my whole 18 years of existence. For my character... and yeah I've always wanted to cut my hair short.

From this...

...then this...

  

...to this

• August 30-31 Retreat at St. Paul Vigil House

September

• September 7 Visit to Botolan Zambales :D

ABMC at Botolan Zambales to visit the Aetas :D

• September 14 Book fair with Maney and Flery at the SMX convention center
• September 18 Mamma Mia nina Rayos at Southville International School
• September 21 Awit Para Sa Botolan concert in school :D

Raimund Marasigan of Sandwich :D

• September 27 Registered for Outbreak Manila xD

• September 27 (still) Watched Am's concert at Benilde with Rebecca :D

October

• October 12 Inuman with friends sa Beach :p

With Beks, "drunk" Kat, Thea, and Ech :D

• October 16 Film viewing of Music Videos in Morality :D
• October 21 First Day Of Sem Break!
• October 31 Outbreak Enchanted Kingdom!

November

• November 6 First Day of Second Sem!
• November 21 A Night Before Christmas :D
• November 28 First Showing of TSP Mini Plays :D

Red Line

Crossroads

Waiting Time

December

• December 7-8 Paulinian Youth Camp!

The SPUM Campus during the youth camp (c) Flery Ann Portal Robles

• December 14 SALOME!! This is it! Salome Play Date! It was so epic. Despite the hardships, failures and not a single complete run :P we made it! TSP makes miracles happen on stage xD

• December 15 Basketball game versus Nursing. WE WOOOOON!!! 

The CASE basketball players present during the game :)

That's the score xD

• December 18 Last day of School for the year 2012! Watched a play in school, had a meeting with TSP, went to MOA for TLCENFAIM Christmas party :)

After the meeting :p di man lang nakumpleto :( haha

Saw Bea at MOA :)

TLCENFAIM Christmas Party! :D

• December 21 TSP Christmas Party! Yeeehaaaw! Kaso we weren't complete :(

• December 29 A date with my Bebestfriend :D

• December 31 Our family's experience on our way to Laguna.

Finally finished looking back.

Well, now that it's 2013, I really would want to thank the people I met, the people I've been with, the new friends I had and the experiences I shared with you guys. This is technically my New Year's greeting to you guys :)

My 2012 was awesome thanks to you! (yes you, the reader who I assume read the whole blogpost, if so, thank you because I did this with full effort and in, I think four days) (but if you didn't read... READ IT.) Thanks a bunch for being a part of my 2012! Even if you just passed by, that sorta influenced me in a microscopic way, maybe. (Teehee)

Thanks to: ABMC3 for the wonderful theater experience we had during our Mamma Mia era :) it was the best bonding experience with you guys :)

Thanks to: TLCENFAIM. We were born this year, and ever since that day, 'til today, we are standing strong, I hope we'd still be like this even if we already have jobs. Thanks a lot, Troyka, Louren, Camille, Nathan, Flery, Agel, Ina, Marnelli for everything. Especially the laughs, even if we see each other everyday, we never get tired of each other's company :)

Thanks to: TSP Family. Hardwork, effort, time. We sacrifice a lot for the sake of theater, but who cares? IT'S OUR PASSION! Theater-my passion; TSP family- the people I love. Combine the two and I cannot ask for anything more. I am glad to meet new people, so glad to have new friends, and super glad to have kept the old ones :) I thank you, my TSP family for accepting the weirdo that I am.

Thanks to: New Friends, welcome to my weird life! Consider yourself cursed :)) I'm amazed that you weren't weirded out by me :)) thank you for entering my life, you guys have influenced a whole lot of my 2012 :)

Thanks to: My Professors for sharing with us your knowledge about the subject. Major thanks to my Mass Media/WRTV/Journalism/Photojournalism professor who has influenced me majorly. 

Thanks to: My Family. Who may think that I don't think about them, without you guys, I wouldn't have survived my 2012. I guess 2012 may be our best and worst year, but whatever happens, we're always here for each other.

Thanks to: Belo medical group, bench.. CHOS :))

HAPPY NEW YEAR GUYS! Say good bye to an awesome 2012 and hello to [a hopefully more] awesome 2013 :)

-Eunick Nobe, Noberd, Rosie, Felipe, Ruben, Nobebe, Nicko, Nobs, Nica, Nicole, and all other names people call me :)

PS: Pardonez moi if I have grammatical errors :P

Outburst

Have you ever felt so lonely, so down that you just want to go to a place all alone and just cry it all out?

Have you ever had a problem that you've never told anyone? Except a journal, maybe. But is that enough? Enough to lighten the burden that you feel? Just writing it down, pouring it all into a notebook. At least, it listens, right?

Well, I realized just now that it isn't enough. I have been writing every problem that I have into my journal. It has always been that way. It was alright then, but now, I don't know why it isn't enough.

Maybe it's like my cup of burdens is already overflowing, when I write it down, the contents would lessen, but would fill up right away.

Maybe I need someone to talk to, aside from myself. Because, let's be honest, the only person who'd really really understand you is yourself and the only person you'd trust whole-heartedly is yourself.

The problem here is, if you'd just share and share it to yourself, nothing much will happen. Well, maybe a little evaluation would occur, and that would help enlighten the situation. But right now, this is too insufficient.

I really need someone to talk to. I can't take it anymore. I'm already filled. I am about to burst. I cannot take it anymore!

Another problem is, I can't find someone to talk to! Someone who'd really understand! Someone who wouldn't judge my problem! Someone who would just listen. Without telling anyone.

I NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO. SOON. OR ELSE. UGH! I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.

Grasp

You know that feeling where in you thought you are close to getting something, but the closer you get, the farther it seems to go. Just like two magnets with the same poles going together. The other magnet tries to come near, but the nearer it gets, the other magnet just moves away.

So close yet so far, they say.

What if you already got a hold of it? But didn't actually realize it? Then the moment you realize you are holding it close to you, about to proclaim that it is yours, somebody takes it away from you. You were blinded. You forgot that somebody owns it. you were blinded by thought of wanting to have it for yourself. The want. The need for it. you wanted it so bad. but you're not sure how you'd get it.

Why not get something else instead? Because you think and feel that there is nothing, absolutely nothing like it! So here you are, mulling over it. Feeling down because you always remember that somebody owns it. But you still get a hold of it most of the time but you can never claim it as your own.

What if also you were afraid for anyone to know that you want it? Especially it itself. Because you are afraid to lose it?

Doing a lot of effort to care for it, but never actually trying to have it for yourself. Being stopped by the thought that somebody owns it.

You want it. You need it. But... will it reciprocate?

Will it be worth it? Will you have it for your own or actually lose it... forever?

Undefined

No, I am not talking about my gender.

Look at my URL, come on, just look. Read it? randomly-unique, right? As in RANDOM.

Sometimes, I myself can't understand what I feel and what I think. One minute, I'm feeling depressed like I'm Atlas carrying the whole world, except it's the world's problems I carry, then the next minute I'm happy like I'm in Elysium. (Sorry for using Greek mythology to describe stuff)

Seriously, I can't seem to maintain my emotions. This is another reason I don't like having emotions. Oh I dunno.

Lately, I wanna get away from it all. I don't wanna talk to people. I just wanna bond with myself.
I get a different feeling when I talk to people. Before, I hated not talking to anyone or being with anyone, but now, I just want to go away. Like away, away. Where exactly? I thought of staying at a beach. I dunno why, but I feel like this is my happy place. The cool air, the cool sand, the cool water, everything is cool, very relaxing. A perfect place to think and reflect about stuff.

Oh and also, I think another reason I want to get away, is because I feel like everything that's happening to me lately is just a dream. One big dream. I've been experiencing a  lot of dejavus lately, but that's another story.

Going back, I feel like everything is superficial. I wanna know why I feel this way, why I wanna be on my own for a while. I wanna escape the stress of my everyday life. I am the type of person who over-thinks. This is why I feel so stressed most of the time; little things+overthinking=stressed and problematic me.



That's what I just want to do right now... Get away. From everything.