Journey to Self Re-Discovery

Hey there! It's been a while (I keep saying this because it has in fact been a while. I don't blog much anymore huhu)

So I decided to blog again, woop. I just thought about it recently since I'm starting to keep a journal again, I'm trying to bring back my writing mojo. I lost it somewhere along the way so I'm looking for it again.

Anyway, this post is about how I found myself again (duh, it says so on the title). Some of you may ask, "Why? Did you lose yourself?" well, in fact, I have. I was deep into my previous relationship that I started changing into a different person.

I don't know how I should start this, I had it all planned earlier before I slept. It got lost while I was dreaming. So lemme try my best and start this the way I wanted to.

This journey to self re-discovery is basically my journey to moving on. As you all know, I went through a very painful breakup 6 months ago. It was the most painful one because it was technically the first relationship I had that actually felt like a relationship. Where I was physically with my partner and we spent almost everyday together so I had to adjust because I had to get used to her absence. My first relationship was a long distance one and we only saw each other 3 times in the whole relationship so the whole thing just occurred through texts, chats, voice calls and video calls. Plus I got cheated on, so there's that.

So this recent break up was so hard to move on from since it happened so suddenly, I never expected it to happen. You know when break ups happen, you could actually feel that it would happen sooner or later, but this one caught me off guard. I remembered how I was then: I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I was just staring at the ceiling, at the walls. There was a point where I just sat still in one corner for 6 hours doing absolutely nothing, until my brother told me that we should eat. Whenever I ate, I could only get two bites of what ever I was eating then I would feel like vomiting already. It got to the point where my tears dried out. I feel like crying but nothing was coming out of my eyes. I felt so empty, so lost. My friends were chatting with me,they were calling me up, checking up on me, finding out if I was still alive (fun fact tho: I never cut myself because of the break up. I usually just cut myself whenever I'm too stressed bc of other things, but I don't cut myself because of love and stuff like that).

I was a mess for a month or two. I cried at random moments, I told my story to a lot of people because I needed to talk to someone about it, I let all my emotions out in this app where you can rant anonymously, I tried dating other people, I drowned myself in alcohol, I partied hard, I flirted a lot, I kissed a lot of girls, I had a one night (or afternoon) stand, I became friends with benefits with someone, and I did a lot of shitty things just to move on.

I did all these things just to move on, just so I could forget, but they only gave me temporary relief. They helped a bit, but I still felt empty and lost. I couldn't get it, what was I doing wrong?

I changed things up a bit, I used to think that in order for me to move on, I should find someone else. As mentioned above, I flirted as much as possible, but then I realized that there are still other aspects in life that I didn't try to fix.

I thought about it, I reflected on my life, I made a list of the things that I loved doing, I looked at all the aspects of my life and checked what was wrong with them.

Until I realized that I did lose myself. I tried building myself up again. I spent time with friends, I caught up with friends I haven't seen in a while, I made new friends, I spent time with my family again (I was so distant from my family when I was in the relationship) it was nice because we got to be close again, in fact, we became closer. I did better at work, I tried working out, I even went boxing with my friends, I tried a lot of new things, I discovered new hobbies and new things to do.

I was re-discovering myself again, I slowly went back to how I was before the relationship started. I indulged myself in books again, I went back to my old hobbies, I practiced photography again (this one is a very big deal), I went to museums and art galleries, I went on walks with myself, I went out with my friends, I watched gigs and concerts, I still drank alcohol (because come on, alcohol is life. I can drink to celebrate and just chill), I tried painting, drawing and other artsy stuff, I tried finding my own style in art, both digital and traditional, I went back to writing (I suck at it now, I'm trying to bring back my old writing style), I went back to my old style, I bought things for myself and I did a lot of other things just to make myself feel better again.

After doing all these things, I began to love myself again, I appreciated myself, I accepted the things I could and couldn't do, I embraced my flaws, I recognized my skills and I believe I matured (a bit. I still consider myself immature lmao). I grew up and left that shell I once had. I breathed a sigh of relief because it felt good to be happy again.

It was a long journey for me, and I'm still in it. I'll always discover new things about myself, I won't stop since it's a continuous process, but I'm proud of myself for the progress I've made.

So here I am now, I'm at my happiest this year, thanks to my family, friends, office mates, and myself.

Although I am struggling with something right now, it's all part of life. I learned not to dwell on sadness that much anymore (that's a big deal for me since I always dwell in my sadness)

That's pretty much it for my on going journey.


I apologize for any errors in this post since I haven't written anything in a long time and I got a bit rusty. Sorry for the inconsistency and the redundancy as well, that had been my problem since day one and I am still trying to fix it lmao.


That is all and I will write more blogs again. Thank you for taking your time reading this, it means a lot to me.


love you all
-N

There is no point

Hey there! Wow, it's been a while since I last posted a blog and I missed it. Apparently, whenever I get in a relationship, I lose a part of me; like in my first relationship, I lost my best friend and this time I lost my interest in literature. Since we broke up, it seems as though my interest in literature is coming back again (Thank God)

So right now I'm in front of my laptop, my bed still unmade, I'm blasting some fallout boy on my phone, my hair's still not the color blue and I'm alive.

(Sugar we're going down swinging) I'm just writing whatever enters my mind right now, I'm letting my fingers do the talking (wow that sounds so lesbian). Right now my office mates are planning to drink later, of course I'm coming.

Wait, I had to stop writing for around 15 minutes because this laptop hanged for 15 full minutes. So during that period, I was able to fix my unmade bed, check timehop, took a selfie comparing my photo from three years ago and now.

And now I have to run some errands, so catch you later. (As if you'll notice me doing the errand since you're continually reading this whole post lol)

I'm back! So I went to my grandmother's shop and gave her the rent money from our neighbors and she gave me money to buy shawarma as well as new pants. So that's that.

Anyway, what's the whole point of this post? Honestly, there's none. There was supposed to be a point when I was planning on writing this post, but now that I started writing it, I just went with the flow.

This blog post was supposed to be about how I am after our break up, but diving into that topic makes me depressed and I have been happy since yesterday, so I don't want to break the mood.

I have been trying to keep my mind off that thing by doing random and unproductive stuff like playing battle cats, surfing the net, looking at tattoo ideas, editing photos, checking out photo inspirations, and writing stuff.

It feels good to write again; I couldn't really write blogs on my phone since I get distracted easily and typing on the phone's keypad isn't as satisfying as typing on the laptop's keyboard. It makes me feel so ecstatic just typing right now. Like I'm not even looking at the screen, I'm just letting my fingers type and type and omg they look so cool moving so fast, like they have a mind of their own. Seriously, I am still not stopping.
The sound of the keyboard makes me so relaxed, and the feeling of pressing these buttons is oddly satisfying.

I am now looking up into the screen and wow, that was a lot. Haha. I'm sorry for making you read this blogpost of mine but it makes me feel nice knowing that there are people who actually read what I write. It gives me a sense of importance, you know?

Right now I'm looking for music to play, let's see... Ahh, here, arctic monkeys.

Woah, I never noticed the lyrics of this song. I'm listening to "Do I Wanna Know?"

"Sad to see you go. I was sorta hoping that you'd stay"
"Maybe I'm too busy being yours to fall for somebody new"

I got distracted for 30 minutes and did something else lol.

I guess I should wrap this up, my mind's all crazy now.

Sorry for this very pointless blogpost, I just wanted to know what it feels like to write again. I missed it so much.

I'll be posting more blog posts soon, blog posts that actually make sense.


But for now, bye.

-N

What's wrong with me?

What the fuck am I doing with my life?

I honestly feel I'm so stupid now. I felt this before but this time the impact is tremendous. I'm not as smart as I was before, not as witty, not as critical, not as quick. I hate this so much and it feels so wrong. I used to be a critical thinker. I used to love intelligent debates and arguments. I used to love proving my point.

I'm also not good in english anymore. I'm not as good in communicating as I was before. I'm having difficulties when I try to construct a sentence, I'm not so confident about my grammar, spelling and choice of words.

I don't think before I speak anymore, I don't know current events anymore, I'm starting to forget the important things, my skills aren't developing, but instead it's doing the opposite.

I'm not getting better. I'm getting worse.

I feel so miserable, I feel like I should be doing something else, something more, but I'm too afraid of leaving my comfort zone. I guess that's why I'm not growing.

I thought I'd be better, but I guess I already reached my peak in 2014. I was the best I could be in 2014 and after that, I started falling down.

I'm trying to find what the problem is, and I realized, it's me. I'm the problem.

I need to do something, but I don't know what. I feel so lost, I don't know what to do to make myself a better person, or at least be the person I was in 2014.

I don't know myself anymore. I'm lost. I need to find myself.

Longing

I never thought missing someone would hurt this much.

I've never missed someone this much before.

I don't know what to feel. What to do. I want to see her. I want to be with her.

I'm talking about my love. My life. My girlfriend. My future wife.

It's been weeks since we actually spent a whole day together. We saw each other last week, but only in secret. Our situation right now is so hard. She doesn't have her phone because her aunt took it. And she's grounded so she can't leave the house no matter what. We haven't been talking for a while now and I really miss talking to her. I miss our conversations. I miss everything.

Ever since we stopped talking, I can't get her off my mind. I cry everyday thinking about how much I miss her and if her aunt was serious about sending her to their province for one whole year.

I got so used to seeing her everyday. I loved seeing her everyday. It makes me feel so happy. She makes me feel so happy.

Everyday since we stopped seeing each other and communicating with each other, everything just reminded me of her and I really can't stop my tears from falling whenever I remember her. Because I'm really longing for her. I miss her touch, her presence. I miss being with her, holding her hand, hugging her, kissing her, being weird and silly with her, judging other people with her, planning for our future together, talking about anything under the sun with her, and just simply enjoying each other's company.

I really miss staring at her and just admiring her. I miss how she'd be so cute when she's just being herself. I miss how responsible she looks when she cooks, cleans the house and asks me to help her. It honestly makes me think we're already married.

She's so amazing in every single way. She can go from a cute and playful 7 year old to a responsible and strong 25 year old in a single second. She can make anyone love her by just being herself. She can amaze anyone just by dancing to a song. She can make your heart melt by being so kind and helpful to everyone. She's amazing, she really is. I admire her so much.

She's the perfect girlfriend for me. The perfect one I'd love to spend the rest of my life with. Honestly, she's the only who made me feel loved. I never felt loved like this before. She makes me feel so special and it's overwhelming most of the time. Her efforts, everything she does for me, the way she expresses her love, she really knows how to make me feel her love. She really makes me feel that she never wants to lose me. Even though we're so comfortable with each other, and even though we know for a fact that we won't leave each other, she still does efforts to make me stay even more. You don't know how lucky I am to have her. A girl like her is impossible to find, yet, I found her. She's one in 7 billion and I know there will never be another one like her. So I'd like to treasure her. To keep her. To let her know that she is the one. I know she already knows that she's the one I see my future with, a clear vision of it. We made plans. We already planned for everything. Our work, the business we'll work hard for. he workshops we'll attend. We very much enjoy talking about our lives together. Honestly, whenever I think about life, it's not my life anymore. It's our life. I want to share it with her. I want her to be in every part of it. We're so attached to each other that our bond is too strong to break.


I've been typing straight into my blog that my thoughts flew all over the place again. All I know is, the reason I'm blogging right now is because I really miss her so much.

All throughout the blogpost, I have been crying. I miss my baby girl so much.

I've been constantly praying that her aunt won't send her to the province anymore. Also that we'd talk to each other soon. Because I miss talking to the only person who knows everything about me. I miss knowing what's going on with her life. I miss talking about what she's cooking, what she's watching, what's she's doing and just knowing if she's safe or happy or okay at the moment.

I'm just holding on to my instinct that's telling me that her aunt won't send her to the province anymore.

I just really miss her.

I hope we'd talk to each other soon.

I hope we'd see each other again.



I miss you, my love.
I love you, Julie Ann.


-N

*sorry for the inconsistency of this post. I just wanted to vent out my emotions right now so I just let my mind go ahead and let my hands type everything that's going on in my head*