The Crush(es): Origin

Why do people have crushes? Maybe because of attraction? Well, I have a different reason for having crushes. Sure, attraction is already a factor but my main reason for having crushes (for my current situation) was to forget someone.

Emo. I know.

But I did it out of desperation. As said in the song by The Script entitled Six Degrees Of Separation, "Anything to take it from your mind, but it won't go. You're doing all these things out of desperation"

When you're in pain, most definitely you'd do anything to take it away. Fix yourself.

This was my remedy. I tried to find a crush. I forced myself to like someone. Well, at least somehow, the five crushes I have now weren't much forced. I started to look for them around November.

After having my crushes, I felt happy. I felt better. I started to forget but my best friend told me that I was in a hurry. That I did not let go of the pain yet, I just covered it up. She was right. I had a talk with her. I realized that I haven't completely forgotten about it. I was still in pain. The talk with my best friend removed the bandage over my open wound, exposing it. The pain was excruciating. I cried. 

But that made the pain slowly go away. Coz finally, instead of covering it up again, I tried to let it heal.

Still going through the healing process. It's getting better. The five crushes thing is working. I'm distracted. I'm not thinking about it as usual as before. I feel the pain subsiding. Finally.


The thing about this is, I feel I'm over reacting. Am I?


I just want to forget. Forget about my feelings. My feelings for you. YOU.

I don't wanna talk

Got my title from Mamma Mia. (Just saying)

That feeling I get when I just don't wanna have any contact with any person.
That moment of confusion I get.
I'm just too weird. I, myself cannot understand what I'm feeling most of the time.
Oh the way other people affect the way I feel. I have no control over my life.
And I couldn't trust myself to control my own life. Because I am very sure I'd lead it astray.
I can't understand myself. I really can't. It's really frustrating.
Why am I like this? What the fuck is wrong with me?
I hate myself for being like this. In fact, I just hate myself.

Damn, now all my negative feelings are coming back. All at once. No good thoughts. Not a single one.

What is wrong with me anyway? If I would ask myself what went wrong, I wouldn't have an answer. Because I really don't know. It's crazy. I'm crazy.

I just don't want to do anything right now.

I feel so frustrated right now. AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY.

i do not know anymore.

I don't wanna talk.

Outburst

Have you ever felt so lonely, so down that you just want to go to a place all alone and just cry it all out?

Have you ever had a problem that you've never told anyone? Except a journal, maybe. But is that enough? Enough to lighten the burden that you feel? Just writing it down, pouring it all into a notebook. At least, it listens, right?

Well, I realized just now that it isn't enough. I have been writing every problem that I have into my journal. It has always been that way. It was alright then, but now, I don't know why it isn't enough.

Maybe it's like my cup of burdens is already overflowing, when I write it down, the contents would lessen, but would fill up right away.

Maybe I need someone to talk to, aside from myself. Because, let's be honest, the only person who'd really really understand you is yourself and the only person you'd trust whole-heartedly is yourself.

The problem here is, if you'd just share and share it to yourself, nothing much will happen. Well, maybe a little evaluation would occur, and that would help enlighten the situation. But right now, this is too insufficient.

I really need someone to talk to. I can't take it anymore. I'm already filled. I am about to burst. I cannot take it anymore!

Another problem is, I can't find someone to talk to! Someone who'd really understand! Someone who wouldn't judge my problem! Someone who would just listen. Without telling anyone.

I NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO. SOON. OR ELSE. UGH! I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.

Grasp

You know that feeling where in you thought you are close to getting something, but the closer you get, the farther it seems to go. Just like two magnets with the same poles going together. The other magnet tries to come near, but the nearer it gets, the other magnet just moves away.

So close yet so far, they say.

What if you already got a hold of it? But didn't actually realize it? Then the moment you realize you are holding it close to you, about to proclaim that it is yours, somebody takes it away from you. You were blinded. You forgot that somebody owns it. you were blinded by thought of wanting to have it for yourself. The want. The need for it. you wanted it so bad. but you're not sure how you'd get it.

Why not get something else instead? Because you think and feel that there is nothing, absolutely nothing like it! So here you are, mulling over it. Feeling down because you always remember that somebody owns it. But you still get a hold of it most of the time but you can never claim it as your own.

What if also you were afraid for anyone to know that you want it? Especially it itself. Because you are afraid to lose it?

Doing a lot of effort to care for it, but never actually trying to have it for yourself. Being stopped by the thought that somebody owns it.

You want it. You need it. But... will it reciprocate?

Will it be worth it? Will you have it for your own or actually lose it... forever?

Undefined

No, I am not talking about my gender.

Look at my URL, come on, just look. Read it? randomly-unique, right? As in RANDOM.

Sometimes, I myself can't understand what I feel and what I think. One minute, I'm feeling depressed like I'm Atlas carrying the whole world, except it's the world's problems I carry, then the next minute I'm happy like I'm in Elysium. (Sorry for using Greek mythology to describe stuff)

Seriously, I can't seem to maintain my emotions. This is another reason I don't like having emotions. Oh I dunno.

Lately, I wanna get away from it all. I don't wanna talk to people. I just wanna bond with myself.
I get a different feeling when I talk to people. Before, I hated not talking to anyone or being with anyone, but now, I just want to go away. Like away, away. Where exactly? I thought of staying at a beach. I dunno why, but I feel like this is my happy place. The cool air, the cool sand, the cool water, everything is cool, very relaxing. A perfect place to think and reflect about stuff.

Oh and also, I think another reason I want to get away, is because I feel like everything that's happening to me lately is just a dream. One big dream. I've been experiencing a  lot of dejavus lately, but that's another story.

Going back, I feel like everything is superficial. I wanna know why I feel this way, why I wanna be on my own for a while. I wanna escape the stress of my everyday life. I am the type of person who over-thinks. This is why I feel so stressed most of the time; little things+overthinking=stressed and problematic me.



That's what I just want to do right now... Get away. From everything.