Journey to Self Re-Discovery

Hey there! It's been a while (I keep saying this because it has in fact been a while. I don't blog much anymore huhu)

So I decided to blog again, woop. I just thought about it recently since I'm starting to keep a journal again, I'm trying to bring back my writing mojo. I lost it somewhere along the way so I'm looking for it again.

Anyway, this post is about how I found myself again (duh, it says so on the title). Some of you may ask, "Why? Did you lose yourself?" well, in fact, I have. I was deep into my previous relationship that I started changing into a different person.

I don't know how I should start this, I had it all planned earlier before I slept. It got lost while I was dreaming. So lemme try my best and start this the way I wanted to.

This journey to self re-discovery is basically my journey to moving on. As you all know, I went through a very painful breakup 6 months ago. It was the most painful one because it was technically the first relationship I had that actually felt like a relationship. Where I was physically with my partner and we spent almost everyday together so I had to adjust because I had to get used to her absence. My first relationship was a long distance one and we only saw each other 3 times in the whole relationship so the whole thing just occurred through texts, chats, voice calls and video calls. Plus I got cheated on, so there's that.

So this recent break up was so hard to move on from since it happened so suddenly, I never expected it to happen. You know when break ups happen, you could actually feel that it would happen sooner or later, but this one caught me off guard. I remembered how I was then: I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I was just staring at the ceiling, at the walls. There was a point where I just sat still in one corner for 6 hours doing absolutely nothing, until my brother told me that we should eat. Whenever I ate, I could only get two bites of what ever I was eating then I would feel like vomiting already. It got to the point where my tears dried out. I feel like crying but nothing was coming out of my eyes. I felt so empty, so lost. My friends were chatting with me,they were calling me up, checking up on me, finding out if I was still alive (fun fact tho: I never cut myself because of the break up. I usually just cut myself whenever I'm too stressed bc of other things, but I don't cut myself because of love and stuff like that).

I was a mess for a month or two. I cried at random moments, I told my story to a lot of people because I needed to talk to someone about it, I let all my emotions out in this app where you can rant anonymously, I tried dating other people, I drowned myself in alcohol, I partied hard, I flirted a lot, I kissed a lot of girls, I had a one night (or afternoon) stand, I became friends with benefits with someone, and I did a lot of shitty things just to move on.

I did all these things just to move on, just so I could forget, but they only gave me temporary relief. They helped a bit, but I still felt empty and lost. I couldn't get it, what was I doing wrong?

I changed things up a bit, I used to think that in order for me to move on, I should find someone else. As mentioned above, I flirted as much as possible, but then I realized that there are still other aspects in life that I didn't try to fix.

I thought about it, I reflected on my life, I made a list of the things that I loved doing, I looked at all the aspects of my life and checked what was wrong with them.

Until I realized that I did lose myself. I tried building myself up again. I spent time with friends, I caught up with friends I haven't seen in a while, I made new friends, I spent time with my family again (I was so distant from my family when I was in the relationship) it was nice because we got to be close again, in fact, we became closer. I did better at work, I tried working out, I even went boxing with my friends, I tried a lot of new things, I discovered new hobbies and new things to do.

I was re-discovering myself again, I slowly went back to how I was before the relationship started. I indulged myself in books again, I went back to my old hobbies, I practiced photography again (this one is a very big deal), I went to museums and art galleries, I went on walks with myself, I went out with my friends, I watched gigs and concerts, I still drank alcohol (because come on, alcohol is life. I can drink to celebrate and just chill), I tried painting, drawing and other artsy stuff, I tried finding my own style in art, both digital and traditional, I went back to writing (I suck at it now, I'm trying to bring back my old writing style), I went back to my old style, I bought things for myself and I did a lot of other things just to make myself feel better again.

After doing all these things, I began to love myself again, I appreciated myself, I accepted the things I could and couldn't do, I embraced my flaws, I recognized my skills and I believe I matured (a bit. I still consider myself immature lmao). I grew up and left that shell I once had. I breathed a sigh of relief because it felt good to be happy again.

It was a long journey for me, and I'm still in it. I'll always discover new things about myself, I won't stop since it's a continuous process, but I'm proud of myself for the progress I've made.

So here I am now, I'm at my happiest this year, thanks to my family, friends, office mates, and myself.

Although I am struggling with something right now, it's all part of life. I learned not to dwell on sadness that much anymore (that's a big deal for me since I always dwell in my sadness)

That's pretty much it for my on going journey.


I apologize for any errors in this post since I haven't written anything in a long time and I got a bit rusty. Sorry for the inconsistency and the redundancy as well, that had been my problem since day one and I am still trying to fix it lmao.


That is all and I will write more blogs again. Thank you for taking your time reading this, it means a lot to me.


love you all
-N

I never wrote about us

I've never written about our relationship, which is really weird for me because I always write about all the major things that happen in my life so I could reread them and reminisce. I wrote about my first ever relationship, I wrote about how great my year was every year, I wrote about a play I became a part of, I wrote about my silliest achievement, but I never wrote about us.

I had a reason for this, I always told myself that I never wrote about us because I used to spend so much time with you, that I could simply reminisce with you whenever I want to remember a certain event. I thought that we would last long enough for us to reminisce about the things that happened to us when we were just starting or when we had this weird fight, then we'd laugh at how silly we were, fighting over a small thing. I thought I never had to write anything because we already had photos that told our stories. I thought I never had to write because I could just look at the photos we took when we were together. I thought I never had to write anything because I knew I wouldn't forget about everything that happened between us. I thought I never had to write because I thought we would last a lifetime.

I was wrong.

I always thought we'd go through everything together. I always thought we'll make it. I always thought you were the one I'll spend my whole life with. I always thought you won't get tired.

Again, I was wrong.

Now that we're over, most of the photos we took that were supposed to remind us of how we were before are gone. Nothing left to remind us of how we were. I still had the letters you wrote to me, and I would assume you still have the letters I wrote to you, but they don't mean a thing anymore. I wrote you letters but I never wrote about our relationship.

I have a few memories left from you, I have the things you gave me: the printed photographs, the letters, the traces of you. I want to get rid of them. Every single thing.

I want to forget about you, I want to forget about everything. I want to forget that we were even together. I want to forget. It's the one thing I badly need right now. I just want to forget about you.

I want to forget how it felt like falling asleep beside you. I want to forget how it felt like being myself with you. I want to forget how safe and comfortable I felt whenever I'm with you. I want to forget how it felt having our bodies next to each other without anything in between. I want to forget how you used to look at me like I was your everything. I want to forget how your lips felt. I want to forget how your hands fit in mine. I want to forget how you used to play with my hair. I want to forget your silly laugh. I want to forget how you always wanted the best for me. I want to forget how you really wanted to be interested in the things I'm interested in. I want to forget the time when we sang our favorite song from our favorite band and how we caught ourselves dancing in sync without realizing it. I want to forget how I got mad at you for the stupidest things, how I told you hurtful words that would make you look down on yourself. I want to forget how selfless you were. I want to forget how happy we were. I want to forget looking into your eyes. I want to forget how much you loved me.

I want to forget you.

Maybe the reason I never wrote about our relationship was because I didn't want to remember.

I just want to forget.



-N

There is no point

Hey there! Wow, it's been a while since I last posted a blog and I missed it. Apparently, whenever I get in a relationship, I lose a part of me; like in my first relationship, I lost my best friend and this time I lost my interest in literature. Since we broke up, it seems as though my interest in literature is coming back again (Thank God)

So right now I'm in front of my laptop, my bed still unmade, I'm blasting some fallout boy on my phone, my hair's still not the color blue and I'm alive.

(Sugar we're going down swinging) I'm just writing whatever enters my mind right now, I'm letting my fingers do the talking (wow that sounds so lesbian). Right now my office mates are planning to drink later, of course I'm coming.

Wait, I had to stop writing for around 15 minutes because this laptop hanged for 15 full minutes. So during that period, I was able to fix my unmade bed, check timehop, took a selfie comparing my photo from three years ago and now.

And now I have to run some errands, so catch you later. (As if you'll notice me doing the errand since you're continually reading this whole post lol)

I'm back! So I went to my grandmother's shop and gave her the rent money from our neighbors and she gave me money to buy shawarma as well as new pants. So that's that.

Anyway, what's the whole point of this post? Honestly, there's none. There was supposed to be a point when I was planning on writing this post, but now that I started writing it, I just went with the flow.

This blog post was supposed to be about how I am after our break up, but diving into that topic makes me depressed and I have been happy since yesterday, so I don't want to break the mood.

I have been trying to keep my mind off that thing by doing random and unproductive stuff like playing battle cats, surfing the net, looking at tattoo ideas, editing photos, checking out photo inspirations, and writing stuff.

It feels good to write again; I couldn't really write blogs on my phone since I get distracted easily and typing on the phone's keypad isn't as satisfying as typing on the laptop's keyboard. It makes me feel so ecstatic just typing right now. Like I'm not even looking at the screen, I'm just letting my fingers type and type and omg they look so cool moving so fast, like they have a mind of their own. Seriously, I am still not stopping.
The sound of the keyboard makes me so relaxed, and the feeling of pressing these buttons is oddly satisfying.

I am now looking up into the screen and wow, that was a lot. Haha. I'm sorry for making you read this blogpost of mine but it makes me feel nice knowing that there are people who actually read what I write. It gives me a sense of importance, you know?

Right now I'm looking for music to play, let's see... Ahh, here, arctic monkeys.

Woah, I never noticed the lyrics of this song. I'm listening to "Do I Wanna Know?"

"Sad to see you go. I was sorta hoping that you'd stay"
"Maybe I'm too busy being yours to fall for somebody new"

I got distracted for 30 minutes and did something else lol.

I guess I should wrap this up, my mind's all crazy now.

Sorry for this very pointless blogpost, I just wanted to know what it feels like to write again. I missed it so much.

I'll be posting more blog posts soon, blog posts that actually make sense.


But for now, bye.

-N

What's wrong with me?

What the fuck am I doing with my life?

I honestly feel I'm so stupid now. I felt this before but this time the impact is tremendous. I'm not as smart as I was before, not as witty, not as critical, not as quick. I hate this so much and it feels so wrong. I used to be a critical thinker. I used to love intelligent debates and arguments. I used to love proving my point.

I'm also not good in english anymore. I'm not as good in communicating as I was before. I'm having difficulties when I try to construct a sentence, I'm not so confident about my grammar, spelling and choice of words.

I don't think before I speak anymore, I don't know current events anymore, I'm starting to forget the important things, my skills aren't developing, but instead it's doing the opposite.

I'm not getting better. I'm getting worse.

I feel so miserable, I feel like I should be doing something else, something more, but I'm too afraid of leaving my comfort zone. I guess that's why I'm not growing.

I thought I'd be better, but I guess I already reached my peak in 2014. I was the best I could be in 2014 and after that, I started falling down.

I'm trying to find what the problem is, and I realized, it's me. I'm the problem.

I need to do something, but I don't know what. I feel so lost, I don't know what to do to make myself a better person, or at least be the person I was in 2014.

I don't know myself anymore. I'm lost. I need to find myself.