I never wrote about us

I've never written about our relationship, which is really weird for me because I always write about all the major things that happen in my life so I could reread them and reminisce. I wrote about my first ever relationship, I wrote about how great my year was every year, I wrote about a play I became a part of, I wrote about my silliest achievement, but I never wrote about us.

I had a reason for this, I always told myself that I never wrote about us because I used to spend so much time with you, that I could simply reminisce with you whenever I want to remember a certain event. I thought that we would last long enough for us to reminisce about the things that happened to us when we were just starting or when we had this weird fight, then we'd laugh at how silly we were, fighting over a small thing. I thought I never had to write anything because we already had photos that told our stories. I thought I never had to write because I could just look at the photos we took when we were together. I thought I never had to write anything because I knew I wouldn't forget about everything that happened between us. I thought I never had to write because I thought we would last a lifetime.

I was wrong.

I always thought we'd go through everything together. I always thought we'll make it. I always thought you were the one I'll spend my whole life with. I always thought you won't get tired.

Again, I was wrong.

Now that we're over, most of the photos we took that were supposed to remind us of how we were before are gone. Nothing left to remind us of how we were. I still had the letters you wrote to me, and I would assume you still have the letters I wrote to you, but they don't mean a thing anymore. I wrote you letters but I never wrote about our relationship.

I have a few memories left from you, I have the things you gave me: the printed photographs, the letters, the traces of you. I want to get rid of them. Every single thing.

I want to forget about you, I want to forget about everything. I want to forget that we were even together. I want to forget. It's the one thing I badly need right now. I just want to forget about you.

I want to forget how it felt like falling asleep beside you. I want to forget how it felt like being myself with you. I want to forget how safe and comfortable I felt whenever I'm with you. I want to forget how it felt having our bodies next to each other without anything in between. I want to forget how you used to look at me like I was your everything. I want to forget how your lips felt. I want to forget how your hands fit in mine. I want to forget how you used to play with my hair. I want to forget your silly laugh. I want to forget how you always wanted the best for me. I want to forget how you really wanted to be interested in the things I'm interested in. I want to forget the time when we sang our favorite song from our favorite band and how we caught ourselves dancing in sync without realizing it. I want to forget how I got mad at you for the stupidest things, how I told you hurtful words that would make you look down on yourself. I want to forget how selfless you were. I want to forget how happy we were. I want to forget looking into your eyes. I want to forget how much you loved me.

I want to forget you.

Maybe the reason I never wrote about our relationship was because I didn't want to remember.

I just want to forget.



-N