Choice

I'm never good in making choices. I just realized that just now.

I always ask for other people's opinions to make my choice. Because as I mentioned in my previous blogpost, I don't trust myself in controlling my life.

One decision that I can't forget was when I decided to not act in our recently staged adaptation of Mamma Mia. I asked opinions from others and most of them told me to act. And I took their advice and acted. It was the best decision made by others for me. If I pushed through with what I decided and that was not to act, I may be regretting it until now. The decision made by others for me saved me from a lot.

Most of my decisions lead me to wrong paths.

I hate how I can't get a hold of my life. I hate how most of my decisions fail me. I hate how other's opinions are better than my own when it comes to controlling my life.

Why is it hard to make a decision anyway? Maybe for me, it's because I weigh things wrong. I usually value others more than myself, maybe this is why most of my decisions fail me, because it will benefit others more than it will benefit me.

I should learn to weigh my decisions correctly. I should learn to trust myself.

Make the right choice.

I don't wanna talk

Got my title from Mamma Mia. (Just saying)

That feeling I get when I just don't wanna have any contact with any person.
That moment of confusion I get.
I'm just too weird. I, myself cannot understand what I'm feeling most of the time.
Oh the way other people affect the way I feel. I have no control over my life.
And I couldn't trust myself to control my own life. Because I am very sure I'd lead it astray.
I can't understand myself. I really can't. It's really frustrating.
Why am I like this? What the fuck is wrong with me?
I hate myself for being like this. In fact, I just hate myself.

Damn, now all my negative feelings are coming back. All at once. No good thoughts. Not a single one.

What is wrong with me anyway? If I would ask myself what went wrong, I wouldn't have an answer. Because I really don't know. It's crazy. I'm crazy.

I just don't want to do anything right now.

I feel so frustrated right now. AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY.

i do not know anymore.

I don't wanna talk.

Bored

Bored. That moment where you just do nothing and feel restless about it.

What do you do when you're bored? What do you do to rid yourself of this feeling?

What do I do?

Well, when I'm bored honestly, I announce it to anyone or anything present. Like, "Hey bro, I'm bored" or "hey wall, I'm bored"
Then after I'd lie down, think about life. Imagine scenarios that I wanna happen in my life but for sure would never happen. Then after I get bored doing that, I'd go downstairs and open the fridge, try to look for food then keep my mouth busy. If I'm still bored after eating, I'd open my laptop. I guess that would kill about 6 hours of my time, but while facing my laptop, it is inevitable for me to also feel bored.

It actually turned into a cycle. But of course this cycle gets boring. I may be weird and my mind may be filled with crazy randomness. But when I'm bored, all that weirdness, randomness and craziness just floats away.
Thing is, when I'm busy with school stuff, the weirdness, randomness and craziness just pop in. And they don't even have any room anymore -_-

Why is it that when I'm bored I'd do nothing but when I'm preoccupied, I'd do everything? Can't I balance? HAHAHAHA. Dang. Weird.